will be on hand to represent you, a close friend of mine, would you like to see the kitchen plans now? I have them downstairs."
There he went again floating from one sentence to another without pausing for breath! Did he always live his life as fast as he speaks? Sharon just replied, "Yes please."
Making their way down the winding stairs and onto the servants floor they passed by a dark haired chap who said hello as he walked by them before darting into one of the rooms. Sharon and Gordon carried on walking for a few steps more before turning to look at each other, they said in unison "Who the hell is that?" After a few seconds more of staring at each other in search of an answer which was not forth coming they ran back and into the room.
Gordon entered first and as he did he could hear a man call out "Hey Vinnie! If you are down there come on out!"
After another second spent looking at each other Sharon motioned to her friend to let him know where the sound was coming from. Moving like a crime fighting cop team they made their way to the bathroom entrance. Sharon motioned with her right hand that she was in position to go in. Gordon nodded from the other side of the entrance. Raising his filafax into bashing position while nodding his readiness. Then with just a nod from Sharon they went in.
They entered the bathroom to find a bottom face up staring at them both. The other end of the chap was down the toilet, his hands were gripping the side of the rim as he leaned over and down.
Shaz decided that a firm voice was needed here. "What are you doing in my toilet?" she shouted causing it to echo around this tiled bathroom.
The man jumped with shock before his hands slipped off the rim to plunge his head down into the basin. It made a plopping sound as it hit the water at the base of the loo. Shaz and Gordon knew what was in the bottom and so both again said in unison "Whurr, pooh!" The toilet hadn't been flushed in years. They observed one impostor having trouble trying to pull himself out of there, his hands could not find the rim again, they were waving frantically about. Rushing over, Gordon took one hand and Sharon the other. Between them they managed to get the feller out of there. When he appeared he was a funny colour, could it be down to his constant coughing and spluttering after swallowing the water? No he was probably a funny colour due to the browning stale water that existed down nearly all of the toilets that lived in this block.
Gordon felt pity for this sad case of a man and with a kind gesture he offered the guy his handkerchief from his white suit. In fact it was another one of many ridiculous suits this man possessed! It was all white, his tie was also white, he wore a pink shirt with pink matching shoes with white socks. He looked like a packet of marsh mellows that you can purchase from any leading supermarket chain.
Sharon waited for the stranger to clean up his face a little before asking, "What are you doing down my toilet?"
The guy finished wiping before answering "Well, er, dudess. I was looking for my pet snake Vinnie. You see he's disappeared down my own toilet. I tried to grab hold of him to stop him leaving, too strong you see. Boa constrictors are very strong."
Gordon and Sharon together nodded in a way that indicated that they didn’t have the slightest clue what he was on about, also how strong snakes were. They tried to get him to elaborate but to no avail.
All he said was, "Well, they are strong. Vinnie likes to explore the local sewers and when this place used to be open he often liked to pay the dudes a visit." Then in what appeared to be an after thought he said, "Hi, my names Phil by the way." Then pointing out the partially opened window he said, "I live over in that block of flats."
One of those big ones situated at the rear of her property. Sharon decided that she was not going to stand here listening to fairy stories all day about snakes from a loony called Phil. "If he turns up we will let you know, pop round or give you a bell. Now if you don't mind leaving we have work to do."
Phil took the hint and as he was just out the door he turned to say, "Oh, I think your man friend has my number. Er, bye, oh and thanks for the use of your hanky."
Gordon looked on as Phil handed him back one dirty handkerchief, then shook his head and said, "Nah keep it!"
Phill in turn burst out with a broad smile, "Gee thanks dude! no one has ever given me a gift before!"
Gordon didn't quite know what to make of this skinny anaemic looking man and just said, "That's okay ducky. Now it's time for you to go."
Phil took the hint and left. After out of ear shot Sharon let rip with, "What a cheek! This guy takes a free snoop around my place and for good measure gives me a load of cobblers about a snake running wild in the sewers of London town. As if anyone would be allowed to keep a boa constrictor in a flat." Looking at Gordon who was clearly on edge after her outburst she calmly said, "Come on Gordon lets take a look at those kitchen plans of yours." After saying this she followed Gordon out of the bathroom and closed the door and as she did her eyes registered a slight movement but her brain told her it was most probably a trick of her imagination.

AIRPORT.

Ben once again found a nice little spot in which he felt he could turn a good little profit. Pulling out the mini blind first before openeing up the small steel shutter then walking round the back to open the back door, he now stepped in using the mini metal step at the rear of the van just below the door. He walked into the back and immediately fell over a rather large obstacle to land flat on his face by this thing before feeling the all too familiar feeling of loads upon loads of crisp packets and drink cans landing on his back, yes the impact of his fall had set that dodgy shelf off again, "Ouch! Bloomin shelves!" He shouted whilst wondering why they never toppled all their stuff while he was driving along going up and down over all those pot hole infested streets which frequented this side of London.
"Ouch! Bloomin you!" Came a reply from the large obstruction besides him. Ben stood up real fast in shock before realising that this obstacle was none other than Clive. "What are you doing in my van?"
Clive rubbed away his blurred vision, was it the alcohol or was it that last can of coke hitting the back of his head? Never mind he had to answer the question for his short sighted drinking companion. "Sleeping off my hangover, that's what I am doing."
"How did you get in here?"
Boy he was sure thick this morning or is he always this dumb thought Clive and once more he searched for a more civilised way to answer Ben. "You dropped your keys before passing out. Also, if you remember I offered for you to come and sleep with me."
Clive and Ben both heard an "Oh really! Come on Pauline." Both turned to see two sweet looking elderly ladies give them a scornful look before walking very hurriedly away. Ben gave Clive one really bad stare before shouting "Oh just great! Now I've lost my first customers because of you."
Clive shouted back deciding to loose his cool, "Hey don't blame me! Anyway you won't get much custom here, airports have their own eating places."
"So? I still have to try, now help me get this mess up onto these blasted shelves."
Even though the request was a demanding one Clive helped Ben put the packets and cans onto their rightful shelves. Once he had done this he informed Ben, "Right I'm off to the front, call me if you need me." Then added one word of warning, "Oh by the way watch out for those low flying planes."
"What? Oh never mind." What ever it was it couldn't have been that important.
Clive left Ben to wait for maybe a stray holiday maker while he sat up front listening to the cricket on the radio.

OUTSIDE THE BACK OF THE COFFEE CLUB.

Sharon and Gordon walked in unison out of the back of the club to be faced with a square hole with about a dozen workmen bent over digging. The digging was fine, it was the builders! Nearly all of them were displaying a hefty lot of bum cleavage.
Gordon felt compelled for some reason to shout whilst clapping his hands together, "Oh I do love a good bum cleavage inspection!"
Sharon didn't know where to place her eyes, after all it's not always a nice sight to be faced with a dozen builders displaying a dozen half to full moons. Suddenly she thought of her husband, don't ask me why? Yes poor old Ben out in that tiny van trying to get a little money for her. Then it came to her, Ben = Shed. "Gordon what have you done with my husband's shed?" She yelled causing poor little Gordon to step back in fright at her outburst and as he did so he almost fell into the hole if it hadn't been for two builder's moons in which he had placed his hands upon to stop himself from falling.
Gordon's hands made a slapping sound as his palms hit their buttocks, jumping for the second time he turned to face the two rather angry men and apologised, "Oh! um, I'm sorry I didn't mean too, accident lads sorry!" His eyes were wide very wide through those glasses with apology.
Both drew themselves to their full heights before the taller one raised his spade and shoving it right under Gordon's nose so the tip actually turned it up a little he said, "Touch me again poof and I'll knock your head off! Got it?"
With eyes widening even further threatening to engulf his head and daring not to blink he replied, "I, I got it."
Sharon wasn't standing for this! Not to a friend. "Touch my friend and I'll make sure you both can never procreate again."
The builder was going to laugh at her for two reasons, the first he didn't understand the word procreate and the second, he never took any lip off a woman. This was until he noticed that she wore a mean look and she was holding the sharp end of a stainless steel pitch fork right at his personal parts. Now he knew what that word procreate meant. He swallowed hard before apologising for being quick to temper.
Sharon was happy with his apology. Placing down the fork and pulling Gordon away and also to get back to the original subject she asked him, "You never answered my question, where is my shed?"
After witnessing one lady acting in such a threatening manner which brought tears to his eyes, he was now seriously thinking of making a run for it. After all Miss Sharon was not going to like his answer, "Well Luvvie, I showed you the plans and you agreed to a patio and where you said was where the shed used to stand."
"I never did!"
"I'm afraid you did, the plans are in the tent."
Shaz followed Gordon to the tent and sure enough she had agreed to a patio right in the place of the shed. How the heck was she going to explain this to her husband? It was while she was thinking up an explanation, a distraction came her way in the form of the John Wayne look alike foreman.
"Pardon me lady, but there's a Gent who wishes to speak to the chief."
It took Sharon a second or two to realise that she was the chief, "Oh right. Where is he?"
"Round the front mam!"
"Thanks." Without further hesitation she walked through the building and with her loyal companion in tow they faced the man who had asked for her.
Gordon was still in full flow twittering on about his mistake over the patio when a solar eclipse occurred. Looking up he observed not an eclipse but a gigantic man filling up one side of the double doors!
Shaz just stared at this huge tall and very wide man, he was massive! All of about twenty four stone, six foot high and at least four and a half foot wide! He was blonde haired, blue eyed, he sported a very large jacket, or was it a tent and when he spoke he had a Lancashire accent.
"Hello, are you the owner?" He asked as a broad smile ripped open his face.
"Yes I'm Sharon the proprietor of this building, who may you be?"
"I'm Bernard, you are expecting me." He reached out to shake her hand but it never came.
Sharon wasn't going to shake his hand, he could be mental. She'd play this one with a little caution, "Am I?"
"Yes. I've come to stay for a few weeks."
"You have?"
Bernard took his hand back before explaining, "Yes. I last visited this establishment about twenty or was it fifteen years ago, when I was twenty or was it fifteen? Never mind. Anyway it was then I decided to book again for another visit."
Gordon's mouth fell open to trap some flies while Sharon just echoed the words her friend wanted to say, "But that was fifteen years ago!"
He smiled again before saying "Yes I know, she said she would honour the booking and leave it in writing for the next owner."
Shaz felt a little annoyed at this man and frustrated at his lack of foresight. "As you can see we are in no state to welcome visitors. We are now going through a refurbishment...."
Gordon found his voice to butt in with..."An extensive refurbishment."
"We are only going to be a Coffee shop, not a hotel." Then came the crunch, if he was mental then he would flip at her next words, "I'm sorry but you will have to look elsewhere for somewhere to stay." No outburst came. The guy just looked very upset and at this point she swore that a few tears were forming.
"Oh, I see." The big guy said after quite a pause. "I have had many a fond memory here, when me and m..." He stopped at this point and smiled before nodding and saying, "I understand the situation. Sorry for the intrusion, is there a phone in the vicinity that I could use?"
"You can borrow my mobile if you like?" Gordon said digging deep into his pocket to pull one pink coloured phone for the big man to borrow. He also looked for his handkerchief then realised he had given it away and now pretended that he had something in his eyes as he tried to wipe away a few stray tears.
Sharon watched the big man take the phone and when he walked outside she noted about five rather large suitcases and noted also Gordon's attempt to be rid of a few tears. Decision time! "Excuse me Bernard. I've changed my mind, we will be able to put you up for a short while as long as you don't mind putting up with a lot of noise and dust."
The large man turned and smiled his largest smile yet. "No, no, I don't mind at all. I will of course pay the going rate for the room." After giving the small reddish faced man with the watery eyes his phone back started to shake this kind ladies hand profusely.
Sharon felt her whole body shake under the impact of one large handshake she wondered why this Bernard character so desperately wanted to stay here of all places. Then who cares! As long as he is content to pay the going rate. Then another thought crept it's way into her mind, "Oh darn it. I'm meant to be visiting my aunt this evening. Gordon could you rustle up a meal up for our guest?"
"Yes I can. In fact I will show Mister Bernard to one of our better rooms, while you Miss Sharon get some rest after the stresses of this day."
Gordon was still grovelling after he had decided to take the blame for the shed error. Still let him grovel a little more before she would forgive him for something he didn't do.

 

 

 

STILL AT AIRPORT!

Ben found out to his cost exactly what Clive meant about low flying planes! Every time one took off or landed the shelves would collapse to send all their goodies over the floor and of course him. Also what realy got up his nose was that dam Clive was spot on about the location and to make matters worse the guy kept pulling open the little talk hole which separated the front from the back of the van to ask, "Got any customers yet?" When Ben replied in the negative way he would say, "Oh, too bad, too bad." Then slide the shutter closed again. Now picking up the same packets for the eighteenth time he decided to shut up shop. Walking round and into the front of the van he caught Clive taking another swig from a small bottle of whiskey. "Don't drink in my cab okay."
Clive took the hint and screwed the cap back on, "Okay man no problems. So, giving up for the day?"
"Yeah, I have to face it, I'm no good at this."
"You can, it's just you have been going to the wrong places."
"Oh and I suppose you know all the right ones?" Ben asked all sarcastic like, he had had enough of people telling him what to do lately.
"Yeap!" Clive replied turning into the eye of this man’s storm of rantings.
A deathly silence fell in the cab before Ben challenged him, "Well are you going to show me or not? Instead of just sitting there all quiet like."
Clive would but not without one certain concession, "I'll show you, if you will allow me to drink in the van."
"No way!"
"Okay, then you can sit there and make zero money and when you go home to tell your wife about it, you can spend a second night sleeping out on the concrete or in the van with me cuddling up to you. Take your pick."
Ben chewed it over and didn't want to envisage himself sleeping with Clive. “Okay, okay, you may drink in the van."
Clive loved it when people gave in to reason. "Right head into Camden, to New Mount Street and pull up right outside the building site."
So Ben did! They opened up the van and just sat there.
"What’s the time?" Asked Clive.
"Twenty past one." Ben muttered feeling just plain fed up with waiting.
Clive opened up the door, "Right, we have ten minutes to cook up those hamburgers!" he jumped out and headed towards the back.

High up two builders looked down to see one burger van.
"Hey Archie! Do you see what I see?"
"Yeah mate a burger van."
"Do you feel how I feel?"
"I sure do! Boy, cooked greasy food sure beats jam sandwiches."
"Good eight minutes before that whistle blows, lets make our way down, get ahead of the crowd."

Down on terra firma Ben and Clive heard the whistle blow. "Okay Ben are the burgers ready?"
"Yeah!"
"First wave of chips fried?"
"Yeah!"
"Cans of drink fully chilled?"
"Yes!"
"Then get ready to take some serious cash!" Clive shouted and witnessed a mass rush to their humble van. For forty minutes all hell broke loose as row upon rows of hungry men were fed with burgers, chips and cola. After the crowd had gone Clive smiled at Ben before announcing, "Right lets get packed stocked up and head towards the football ground for round two. Special charity tournament on!"
Outside the football ground trade was brisk before and absolutely ridiculous after! Clive leaned up against the mini freezer and after wiping the sweat from off his forehead with a bit of kitchen paper he said, "See Ben, I told you these football supporters would be very hungry. You see, if their team looses they eat through their defeat and if they win they eat through their triumph!"
"Clive buddy you are amazing! We have sold out of nearly everything! Thanks man."
He appreciated the thank you, "Well at least you can give me a high five!"
Both men responded by doing a high five followed by a low five and a mini dance around the van, they only stopped when the top shelf collapsed raining cans on top of them once again.
They arrived back at the club about six and were in high spirits. Both ran up the stairs along the hall and up another set of steps and into the flat, then skidded to a halt when faced with a rather large bloke sitting in the lounge. He was wedged between one of those leather chairs of Sharon's.
"Hello I'm Ben and this is my friend Clive," Ben said as a reflex more than anything else.
"Hello I'm Bernard, I'm a guest here."
Ben felt a nervous ripple run through him and it sounded by his next response, "Right, or course you are, Sharon!"
Sharon came from the kitchen to find her husband, "Ben your late! We were meant to be at my Auntie's about an hour ago. Where were you?"
At least she was speaking to him now. "I was with Clive. He helped me out and with his experience we found some real cool places to sell food and guess what?"
"What?"
"We've sold out of burgers, chicken, chips and nearly out of cola!" He said allowing the excitement trickle through.
Upon hearing this news Sharon squealed with excitement and rushing over she gave her husband a big hug. "That's the best news I've had all day, well done love!"
After receiving the hug he still had one burning question, "So what’s this about guests?"
How was she going to explain this? "Ah, Bernard here reserved a room with ourselves about fifteen years ago and he has come to stay with us for a few weeks."
"Yes, you see I'd fallen in love with the place and wished to revisit it some day. I picked a time and here I am!"
Ben was going to say something about the time it took for him to come back, but was disturbed by Gordon rushing in. "Here’s your dinner Bernard and it is a lot newer than fifteen years!" It was a plate full of bangers and mash. Ben wondered where this man had managed to get a bright pink apron with large yellow spots from along with a pair of fluffy pink slippers. He knew better than to ask. "Shaz, I was wondering if my friend Clive could be our guest as well?"
"What? A tramp under my roof, no way!" Shaz said in such a firm manner as to let her husband know he was not to pursue this.
Ben knew that tone in her voice which read leave this conversation alone, which he wasn't going to do for he had an ace up his sleeve. "Okay! Well, how about in the shed, oh, except we haven't got a shed anymore, all we have is a big hole in its place!" He wanted to smile at the sheer amount of sarcasm he placed into that last piece of sentence. He could also see his wife squirm.
"Er, yes, you see I honestly didn't know this but I signed a form giving Gordon permission to build a patio."
Advantage Ben! Just a little more turning of the screw, "Well that's just great! Tell me how many more pieces of paper have you unknowingly signed giving Gordon permission to wreck other people's dreams?"
The air was suddenly getting very tense in there so Gordon walked round to where Clive and Bernard were and suggested that they leave very quickly and as quietly as possible in order not to be shouted at. It was at this point Bernard pointed out something that could spoil their plans, "Excuse me gentlemen, I would like to get out of here but I can't move. I'm stuck!"
"Great! Just great!" Clive cursed as both men started to pull frantically on this big man's arms trying to free him whilst in front of them an argument was going on. While they were pulling the air suddenly became full of two people shouting out "Deal!" Both Gordon and Clive looked around to see that Ben and Sharon were staring at them with weird spooky smiles on their faces. In the shock of that they both let go of Bernard’s arms sending him falling back into the chair again and once more stuck.
Ben spoke, "Okay Clive you can stay as compensation for one missing shed."
Clive responded, "Gee that’s great!" And was cut off by the Queen of icy tones.
"On one condition!"
"And that is?"
"I do not want you drinking on my property is that clear?"
Clive had to think this though and came back with the answer, "It's a deal lady!" After all having a warm room, a place where you could wash along with a nice comfy bed was far better than a shot of whiskey to get you through the night.
Sharon now asked, "Can I trust you three to behave properly while my husband and I go off to visit my Aunties?"
"Yes Miss Sharon, you can trust me to keep these two men out of trouble." Gordon replied still grovelling from earlier.
Bernard backed them up with,"Absolutely!"
Clive chose just to nod and smile like a saint.

BUZZ OFF AUNTIE.

It didn't take long for them to arrive around Sharon's auntie's place. Once at the door Shaz pressed the buzzer, it was one of those intercom ones, the type that you speak in to when someone answers.
"This is Auntie Joan who is it?" A tinny voice asked through the comm.
"It's Sharon and Ben, can we come in?"
"Yes dear!" Came the reply, they both heard the buzzing sound that tells them the door latch has been activated to let them in. Sharon pushed open the door, it only opened so far before it came to a juddering halt. The security chain was still on. After giving her husband an apologetic look she pressed the buzzer again.
"This is Auntie Joan, who is it?" Came the voice from the tin box on the wall.
"Its Sharon, we can't get in, the chain is still on the door." Once again they heard the buzzer sound to disengage the door. It lasted for about twenty seconds before it all fell silent once again. Once more Sharon pressed the buzzer.
Yet again the voice from the box of doom answers, "This is Auntie Joan, who is it?"
"What does she mean? Who is it! How many visitors does she get in an evening?"
Shaz ignored Ben's outburst to concentrate on a way of getting her auntie to actually come to the door, she chose a more simplistic way. "Auntie Joan, it's Sharon again, we can't get in your door is stuck!"
"Stuck you say?"
"Like your brain," Ben muttered.
Shaz managed to drown his comment out with, "Yes its stuck. Could you please come and let us in." Shaz smiled at her husband, victory was theirs until they heard the buzzer go off for the third time now!
Ben cracked, "What? I don't believe her!"
Sharon hit the buzzer her side before speaking or was it shouting into it? "Auntie Joan! Please come to your door and take the chain off and while you are down here open the door without the use of your buzzer." To her surprise the buzzing stopped and one elderly lady came to the door. She was about five foot two, had grey hair which sported a man's version of a short back and sides. She was a very slim build.
"Who is it you said you were?" She asked after poking her head around the door.
Ben chose to slap his forehead really hard at this point while Sharon took a deep breath to explain.

 

 

 

THE BIG GAMBLE.

Clive, Gordon and Bernard just sat there in silence. This was their first night together and so far the most exciting activity had been doing the washing up after one meal together and two for Bernard. Talking about Bernard! He could now get out of his chair with ease after nearly breaking the arms off. The original question still raised a lot of thinking, what could they do now?
Clive was determined not to let this night slip away in an almost comatose state, "Say! Any of you like to come down the pub for a drink or two?"
Gordon's eyes lit up, he longed to be accepted as one of the lads, "What a good idea!"
But Bernard looked up to say, "I can't, you see its the smoke. Plays havoc with my eyes makes them go all red and puffy looking."
Clive huffed a little before another idea came bouncing its way into his grey matter, "Okay, how about a drink here without the smoke?"
Bernard was happy with this but Gordon wasn't, "Oh no you don't! Miss Sharon told you that you are not allowed to drink on her premises."
Clive let out another huff before all once again sat in the silence just twiddling their thumbs. Suddenly he noticed the big guy move swiftly to pull out a couple of packets of cards.
"Anyone for a good game of poker?"
This man was on Clive's wavelength! "Only if it's for money."
Bernard smiled, "I wouldn't have it any other way."
This just left Gordon who had a confession,"How do you play um, poker?"
Bernard and Clive exchanged glances, they instantly knew and understood each other. Oh yes Gordon was a beginner and he was also going to be the looser!
Bernard stood up, walking over to the small man he put his arm around him and said, "Clive and I will show you how to play, we’ll look after you. I'll fill you in while Clive fetches us a few glasses and pulls us a drink."
Clive received the wink from his big buddy and wasted little time in hunting out the wine and fixing them all a very tall glass before Gordon could protest.
Now settling down Bernard dealed.

MILK ANYONE?

The place turned out to be a simple two up, two down. It had two bedrooms, a small kitchen, toilet and bathroom along with one box room of a lounge. Inside the lounge it had four arm chairs covered over with green covers with large brown flowers on, looked like old curtains from the nineteen seventies transformed for the ready for the new millennium. In one corner stood an old looking television that had clearly seen better days because every so often the picture would roll and the sound would fade in and out. In one of the chairs sat her uncle Martin, he hadn't said a word since they arrived, he was either asleep or was dead but after seeing him twitch Ben knew he was still in the living world. In another corner sat a large bird cage with one parrot watching the quests like a hawk just in case Ben or Shaz decided to swipe a brown stained pair of dentures which sat on a small coffee table which graced the middle of this room. There was a gas fire on even though it was the height of summer and this just added to the hot claustrophobic feeling both of them were already experiencing. Sharon's auntie possessed a little Yorkshire terrier which loved to come into the room and just bark at you all the time. This went on until uncle Martin shouted out in his sleep, "Shut it you tiny little rat!"
It was at this point when Ben was seriously thinking of making a run for it, auntie came walking in carrying a plate of biscuits along with a pot of tea, a carton of milk and two cups all balanced nicely on one small frilly tray.
"Cup of tea? I've made a pot, must be thirsty after your long journey. Help yourself to milk and of course biscuits." She placed the tray down and moved the table a little closer to where they sat. Looking at the girl she asked, "Now who did you say you are?"
Sharon had already spent the last ten minutes telling Joan who she is! Now as her husband played mum by pouring the tea she explained once more, "You are my auntie Joan, my name is Sharon and this is my husband Ben."
"Oh, why are you here?"
"To say hello and to catch up on what you and uncle have been getting up to," she explained as she gestured with one hand over to where her uncle lay fast asleep still. It was then she noticed that the dog was crouching over a slipper in one very unusual position, she thought of saying something but said nothing. She chose to speak when spoken too. Sharon also noticed that her husband was now giving her a weird look as he held the carton of milk. "Ben love, auntie said it is alright to use the milk."
His eyes grew even wider, "Um, no its okay I can do without milk. Need to cut back."
"Since when? You've always had milk with your tea!" Shaz replied and wondering why he had made up such a cock and bull story.
"My dear boy I won't charge you for it!" Auntie followed up with.
"But, no its..."
Sharon was not standing for one of his mood swings now so got ahead of him, "Stop complaining or protesting or whatever, just take the milk and don't cause a scene!"
Ben knew she had the wrong end of the stick, he wasn't being awkward, it was....Swallowing hard he proceeded to pour the milk into his cup but what came out was not milk in its liquid form, it had curdled and was all lumpy, very lumpy much like porridge.
Auntie never noticed, "Milk?" She offered taking the carton and holding it rather precariously over Sharon's cup.
Sharon watched the carton of doom hang in the balance over her cup. It was now her turn. Swallowing hard she found the strength to say, "Actually Auntie I like my tea black, coffee white but not tea."
"Okay suit yourself dear. Ben more milk?"
"No thank you Auntie Joan." Ben replied hastily and felt relief to see her put the smelly thing down.
"Come on you two, I have plenty more in the pot for you, and I'm not letting it go to waste."
A new threat came their way and Shaz had a good excuse, "Well I'd love too, but being black its a little too hot for me to drink it just now, give me about five minutes."
Auntie's attention switched towards her male quest, "Yours has milk in it, now come on drink up!"
Just then Sharon's Uncle woke up and added weight to his wife's words, "Go on lad drink up to keep her quiet."
He felt backed into a corner and what finished him off was the parrots remark.
"Come on boy drink up!"
Now with the whole world against him he lifted the cup to his lips and after counting to three he opened his mouth to swallow the smelly lumpy contents.
Sharon cringed at the thought, but to her amazement her husband had drank the lot leaving an empty cup on the tray and had even managed a strained smile!
"Another cup dear?" Auntie offered.
Ben wished that the whole floor could open up and swallow him, he couldn't go through another cup of lumpy tea! Then to his amazement he was rescued.
Uncle Martin shouted, "Hey boy what are you drinking girls stuff for? Come with me and I'll show you my brewers paradise! A collection of the finest home made wines and beers you have ever seen."
Another thing now amazed Shaz! Her husband managed to say, "Yes please!" Okay there was hardly a sound coming from his voice but at least it was eligible.
Uncle shouted out, "Great!" stood up and immediately slid his foot into something warm and soft which sat inside his slipper. Crying out he shouted, "That dam dog of yours has crapped in my slipper again."
Joan smiled at him, "Oh Martin! He's only playing dear."
Martin now all red face announced, "Playing? I'll be playing with that dogs backside!" Then staring down at the small fir ball he said, "Just you stay clear of my shed otherwise you will find a cork shoved up in a place where the sun doesn't shine! And try pooping in my slipper then!"
Shaz came to understand why the dog had sat down in a funny way?

After Martin had cleaned himself up he led Ben to his rather large brewing shed. "I do a lot of my brewing in the spare room. Out here is mostly devoted to storage."
Ben followed Martin in through the wooden door and found a labyrinth of barrels and rows upon rows of dusty bottles, some were new but the majority were well old.
"Here, try this one." Martin offered as he found two glasses and uncorked one of the dusty bottles, forth row along and two shelves up. After pouring it he let the young man take a good sip. "This is one of my first efforts brewed way back in the late seventies."
Ben noticed uncle Martin watching him like a hawk and so decided to take a manly gulp, not a sissy sip like Gordon probably would. He regretted this move, the wine burnt the back of his throat and felt very much like paint stripper as it made its way down through his system. Ben's brain gave him the answer, "Whurr! That’s disgusting!"
Martin laughed, "I know. I keep this bottle as a firm reminder of the mistakes you can make in the brewing business, especially if you are impatient and fail to read all of the instructions properly." Turning he picked up a red from the year ninety two. "Blood red this one. I think you'll like it."
As Ben took the glass full of red wine into his hands he got his first real good look at this tall giant of a man, mind you every one seemed taller to him as he was only a short arse in comparison. Martin was at least six feet in height and was in his latter sixties. He had a lot of grey wavy hair and his build was a build of a weight trainer. He had a warm smile which put you instantly at ease with the man. Ben took a sip of the wine and to his surprise it was a fruity one, not too dry, of course everything would be better than the first bottle and the curdled milk.
"What do you think?"
"Very nice uncle, very pleasant to the taste buds. A truly beautiful wine." Replied Ben as he did his best to drink this fine wine before noting that Martin had already pulled another bottle, a white from his giant collection.
"How about a nice dry white from the early eighties?"
Ben clutched hold of another glass. Again this wine was good! "Yes a wonderful dry crisp white which leaves a pleasant feel in the mouth, not at all like the dry white's you get in the supermarket."
"Exactly my dear boy! This wine and many others contain a secret ingredient which aids the feeling you have just said."
Ben noted the sparkle of excitement in his eyes before he asked another crucial question, "Martin, just how many people have ever tasted your fine collection of wines?"
He sat down as he probed his memory to find the answer, "Well it would have to be Sharon's father before he died, back in ninety four and again a little further back in eighty seven, there has been no one else. I like to only show them to people I feel comfortable with."
Ben felt honoured at being only the second person to ever taste these fantastic wines. He also felt sorry that Martin was turning out to be a bit of a recluse who could only trust a select few. Maybe Sharon was the link here? After all the only two males in her life are or were her father and now himself.
"Joan can't stand my brews, she hates alcohol. Here try this rose."
In the end Ben felt amazed at each and every one of uncle Martin's wines. He was also amazed at how time just flies when your having fun and now his wife had appeared to tell him that this little party was now over.
"We have to go now, get an early night. We need to be fresh for our court appearance in the morning."
He felt okay until he tried to reply "O,o......furn, heruurh......." Trying to compensate for his lack of mouth coordination he stood up feeling his whole body stagger before blackness came.
Shaz watched her husband get up way too quickly, take a few short steps forward before falling forward to land on the floor at her feet. Giving uncle Martin a scorching look she said, "Great, just great! Thank you very much."
Martin looked up at her from his seat and looking like a little child who had just been scolded for steeling muttered, "I got carried away, I wanted him to voice his opinions on my entire collection."
"How could I forget the amount of times my father crawled out of this shed intoxicated from your wines. Come on, help me dump him in the car."

 

SOFT, STRONG AND VERY, VERY LONG.

Clive and Bernard had between them stitched poor Gordon up well. Clive won about one hundred and fifty pounds from him and Bernard had won at least two weeks worth of rent at this Coffee shop stroke hotel. Every so often to keep the poor guy interested they allowed him to win a few small pots and for good measure they allowed him a slightly bigger pot before they stung him again. Little Gordon had got a little too excited after winning and was now off down stairs to use one of the toilets. He didn't want to use Miss Sharon's, he viewed that as an insult to his bosses privacy. Both Bernard and Clive didn't understand this small man's view, but heck as long as they are winning who cares! Anyway nature was calling and to no surprise! They had consumed a couple bottles of wine and whole twenty four pack of mini lager bottles. Clive had been a couple of times, he needed to take another trip and while he was at it he would check up on Gordon who had been gone for ten minutes and the big guy had been almost as long. What were they doing? Maybe they had popped down to the off license? Clive found himself staggering down the steps and onto the floor where he was going to live. The room he had didn't posses a toilet, in fact only four of the rooms did. The others had to visit the communal toilets at the end. Making his way into the well used large bathroom he shouted out, "Hey Gordon what’s keeping you man?"
"Eeeerrrrrrrrrr!" Came the reply.
Making his way round the small wall which aided the privacy from the hall he asked once more, "What the hell is up, passed out? throwing up and missed to pan, hee, hee." He rounded the corner to find Gordon and the big man just standing in a cubicle just facing him. They seemed frozen in time. "Hey dudes! What are you both doing in that cubicle?"
"S,sssssnnnnnn....."
"What?" Clive couldn’t work this out, after all both men looked fine, they were giving him good eye contact Yet both were not moving and Bernard was very quiet. As he looked at the two staring back at him, he noticed a third head rise and now one large snakes head was looking back at him. He then noted why the two men couldn't move, the snake had wrapped itself around them tightly. Clive suddenly observed that his brown eyes were bulging with fear. He had to do something! Moving towards them he went to unravel this monster.
Gordon noted what he was about to do and warned, "No Clive! That’s what Bernard did and look at him."
Bernard in turn wanted to nod though felt compelled not to, especially as one large cold head was staring back at him.
"Okay man I will fetch some help. Stay there and don't move!" Clive cautioned and received a mock reply from Gordon.
"Oh very funny! Where do you think we can go to?"
Clive skidded out of the bathroom to land in the hall, then running to the end and literally flying down the old stairs to find at the bottom one Sharon with a limp looking husband.
Shaz saw Clive run down to meet them, "Ah, Clive, give us a helping hand would you."
Clive wanted too, but he had to divulge the more important news. "Mam, I would but I need help! Bernard and Gordon have got a rather large looking snake wrapped around them both in the toilets."
She watched his rather graphic rhythmic gestures of his description of what had happened and came to one easy conclusion, "Have you been drinking?"
This caught him off balance, struggling for an answer he said, "No mam! Well yes, but I ain’t drunk and I know I shouldn't have! Mam please come and take a look, I ain’t hallucinating."
Okay Sharon would bite but not without a warning, "If you are hallucinating I will throw you out of here using the bony part of my foot." She was already annoyed at her husband for his drunkenness and now his so called friend was the same. So she just dumped her husband down, walking up the few steps, it wasn't until she hit the top that she realised she had dumped Ben down half way up! Looking round quickly she saw his limp body roll all the way down and crash into the wall just by the left of the stairs. To her relief he was still out cold. "Oop's! Still serves the bum right for getting plastered."
Following Clive down the hall and into the bathroom she found the scene just as Clive had described it. Bernard, Gordon and one very big snake! What could she do? She could call the Police and they could shoot the thing! But then they might shoot the lads. Come on, what was she thinking of? This was a crazy woman’s thoughts!
Gordon spoke to distract her thoughts. "Miss Sharon, could this be the snake belonging to that weird man?"
Like a lightening bolt flashing through her brain this was the answer, yes this snake was, er, Vinnie. Belonging to a, now what’s his name? Phil and he had a contact number in her husband's jacket.....The one he's wearing! Suddenly shouting out she said to the two, "Just wait right there and don't move!"
"Oh great! We have yet another comedian. This is not a laughing matter!" Gordon berated the fleeing Sharon and received a tight squeeze from the boa constrictor for his outburst.
"Thank you Gordon, now just shut it before we both die." Bernard moaned through clenched teeth.
Gordon was in no state to take any flak off anyone, "Okay, just blame me why don't you! How was I to know that a forty foot python was going to fall from the ceiling and attach itself to me and that you of all people were stupid enough to try and pull it from off of me and in turn trapping yourself."
"At least I tried to help!"
Both stopped shouting at each other when they felt an all too familiar tight squeeze. The only thing they could agree on was the unified scream of pain, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........!"
Sharon in the mean time ran all the way back down to Ben and was now frantically searching in his pockets for the card. It was at this point her husband came round.
"Wow! Is this my lucky night?"
She was in no mood for this! "Oh shut up you drunken twit!" before punching him in the face sending him back to unconsciousness. She found the card, using her mobile she phoned the number.
"Hello, this is Phil. Well actually its a recording, bogus huh? If you would..."
"Wonderful a recording! How the heck am I going to find him so he can have his stupid snake back!" She complained to her mobile in search of an answer, and surprisingly it came!
"My snake? You've found my snake?"
Staring at her phone she answered, "Yes. I thought this was a recording?"
"Sorry lady dude, its the real me. I only do that just in case its somebody nasty after me, then it gives me a head start on e'm. I don't even have an answering machine. So, got my Vinnie?"
"Well actually, your snake has got hold of my two friends and is holding them very tightly indeed."
"Wow awesome! I'll be right over to see this. It’s that place just out back right?"
"Yes, hurry." She wasn't expecting a response like the one she received, still he was coming to get his monster.
Within a few seconds he had arrived carrying a large portable case. "Yo lady! Where's the snake?"
"Up stairs," she replied and stepped over Ben to mount the stairs.
"Right, cool!" Phil replied before stepping over a body on the floor, "Hey, who's the dead dude?"
"Oh, that’s my drunk husband, just ignore him."
Phil did as he was told and all too soon he was reunited with his long lost snake. "Yo Vinnie! Who's been a naughty boy then. Now come back home with daddy." It was all too easy, the snake un-wrapped its self and made its way into the long cage.
Both Gordon and Bernard could now breathe properly again along with feeling ten times lighter after removing that snakes weight from off of them. Gordon let his expressions run free, "How wonderful it is to get that python from off of me! I feel like a new man!"
“Is he sure?” Clive quipped getting a laugh from big Bernard as Phil addressed the small guy, "Dude, its a Boa Constrictor."
Gordon looked over suddenly filled with anger at this waste of a man. "I don't care what it is, all I know is that you could have been paying for my funeral bill." Then looking at himself in the mirror he carried on his rantings, "And talking about funerals, I guess I can say a sad farewell to my suit which your snake has ruined!"
Phil didn't know quite what to say, except try to give them an explanation "Sorry weirdo, you see Vinnie got lonely and so he decided to latch onto you both for companionship until I could arrive. Well best take him home now." He quickly backed out of there and was gone within a few seconds.

After getting her husband to bed, Shaz sat in one of the leather chairs after pouring herself a stiff drink. This had only been the start of her life here, she felt that by the time this project was complete she'd be signed into the alcoholics anonymous clinic if everyday was going to be filled with mishaps like this one had been.

JUDGEMENT DAY.

Morning broke too soon. Sharon was up with the larks making breakfast for the new lodgers and of course herself. Entering her bedroom she took a long tall fizzing glass full of water and laid it on the little table by her husband's head as he lay motionless in the bed. He wouldn't stay motionless for long. Leaning over him she shook him violently whilst shouting in his ear, "Time to get up boozy boy," before moving off towards the en-suite bathroom to freshen up.
Ben was suddenly woken by a violent rocking and a loud noise in his ear. Opening one eye gently he was hit by the bright light of a new day smacking into his eye like a fist. After closing it and trying again, the pain seemed to ease away. Now rolling over he faced the ceiling and opened the other eye to find that it was very slow in responding, also it felt swollen. Probably the drink still flowing through his system from last night at the pub. No at Uncle Martin's wooden shed. He sat up at the thought of all that wine and felt the thumping of a dozen bottles smashing onto his head, "Ow, my head," he muttered feeling sorry for himself. His body told him that he needed water and fast for his mouth felt dryer than the Arizona dessert. Not really looking he grabbed hold of the glass next to him and drank down the water to find that it had something else in it, something very bitter! "Yuk!" he said before squirming all over. Well at least his body was functioning a little now, he'd best get up and make the effort to go to work, after all it was Friday morning and he had spent the whole of the night flat out in his sweaty pyjamas.
Shaz spied the man who used to be her husband and talking to him using the reflection of the bathroom mirror she said, "At last, the return of the living dead, enjoy your drinking?"
"Morning love, sorry about that thing last night. Must have looked the fool infront of your auntie."
Sharon forced a tooth paste smile, "That’s okay, I should have remembered about my Uncle's vast drinks collection."
Benny boy you could be off the hook? "So, you forgive me?"
"Only if you get ready and put your new suit on."
Oh boy, there's always a condition, hold on. What new suit? "Um, what new suit?"
"You'll find the suit hanging up in the wardrobe, its for going to court in."
Going to court? What have you done? Hold on nothing. Okay, relax its not you. "Shaz you haven't been caught speeding again have you?" This question came with a look of horror written all over Ben‘s face. She had been and caught more times than a thick fish on the end of the line.
"No silly! Its for our liquor license."
"Oh, I'd forgotten about that." He mumbled before trying to move as fast as one battered body could go, he felt about eighty years old! He watched his wife leave and pouring a nice bowl of hot water he opened the cabinet to pull out his favourite shaving cream. Spraying some into his right hand he now put the can back into the cupboard and closed the door. Ben was about to apply the cream when he noticed that something wasn't quite right about his face, "Ah! I've got a black eye!" Rushing into the bedroom letting little mounds for shaving foam come flying off his hand he shouted at his wife, "Shaz where did I get this from?"
She gave him one of her patented innocent looks before calmly replying, "Oh that! You received that when I accidentally on purpose punched you in a moment of crises. You were getting in my way and so I let you have it, sorry."
"Sorry? Sorry! In case is hasn't escaped your notice I have to face the courts with this beamer and if they happen to ask what happened, you could loose out on your precious liquor licence!"
"That is why I want you to wear these." She reached up from where she sat at her dressing table and handed him a pair of dark sunglasses. "Anyway my biggest worry was that you still hadn't sobered up enough, now I don't need to worry."
"Why's that?"
"The look of horror on your face after discovering your black eye has sobered you up real well, ha!"
True, he had sobered up, but he hated being made fun at so shouted, "What if I decide now that I ain't going? I think I might!"
When Sharon turned around she had a cold fire behind the eyes, a kind of mentally insane look and the voice didn't help either. "If you play up I will give you another black eye to match the one you already posses, is that clear?"
The threat was very clear indeed, after taking a rather deep swallow he replied, "Yes mam," before hurrying off to get ready.

 

SILENCE IN COURT!

 

Both walked into the courts and up to the reception in full flowing conversation.
"So how did Clive take it?"
"Well, actually he decided he still needed help, so he collared Bernard and took him out."
"Oh yeah?" Sharon wasn't convinced that the big man would willingly give up a day of his holiday to work in a small van selling greasy chips.
Ben picked up on her suspicion and had to confess, "Yeah, Clive told him that he was going to take him on a magical sight seeing tour of London. You know see Tower Bridge and Buckingham Palace through the haze of burning cooking oil, of course he omitted the oil bit."
"Mister and Mrs...hello I'm Mr Pritchard your solicitor."
This greeting came from a small short hairy man who smelt of garlic and looked like he had had a serious fight with his pin stripe suit with all the creases in it. Sharon adopted her usual reply when it came to people in whom she had little regard for..."Are you now."
"Yes," he replied not knowing just how to take a response like that. He chewed it over before continuing, "We are due in court eight in about fifteen minutes. I have taken the liberty and prepared everything the court wishes to know. Just one further question. I take it that you wish to store the liquor in the cellar and you have the correct fire fighting equipment installed?"
Shaz had read about all the requirements several times now about everything you can and can't do with alcohol on the premises. "Yes we have these in place."
"Great! No problems." Looking at her husband he eyed the man up and down before feeling the need to add, "There is no need to wear sunglasses in the courtroom, there isn't any sunshine in there and there certainly isn't any interrogation, you know strapping yourself down and having a spot light glaring down at you." He thought the latter to be funny and so let out one nervous laugh.
"Yeah well, I like to keep them on for now." Ben wasn't in the mood for laughing especially as his eye was hurting big time.
The man stopped laughing, "Okay, whatever. Best follow me to the court room."
Both were like cats on a hot tin roof while they waited to be summonsed. All too soon they were in. Then after the formalities were done it was question time.
One of the court officials asked, "What do you require the liquor licence for?"
Ben's head hurt and thumped along with a desired to get out of here. He let out a little annoyance at the stupid question coming from this so called egg head, "That’s a stupid question! What do you think we need it for?"
Shaz tugged hard on his arm, "Shut it," before standing to address the court. "Your honour, as you already know, it would be a great benefit to sell alcohol within our restaurant premises." She felt relief that this judge had failed to pick up on her husband's outburst. Mind you she did find it disturbing when another member of the court kept whispering into the judges ear. Both were old enough to know better with their grey hair, after all wasn't grey hair meant to be a sign of wisdom she read somewhere? There must be a lot of wisdom in this court as most of them were grey headed! She also remembered that Superman movie where all those grey headed judges at the beginning of the film all pronounced the three bad guys dressed in black all "Guilty!" The bad dudes were squashed into a black triangle thingy and thrown out into space. As she looked upward she swore she could see the black triangle thingy coming from out of the sky and hover above them much like a bird of prey!
“Stop scaring yourself,” she muttered under her breath feeling slight relief when the judge asked another question.
"You will be using this building of yours as a restaurant then, not as a house of ill repute?"
Sharon didn't quite follow this question, "You what your honour?"
He stared hard and fast over his desk before making his question really clear, "A place of prostitution."
"A what? You calling my wife a prostitute? How dare you!" Ben shouted at the judge whilst trying to climb over the witness box. "Come down onto my level and say that again wiggy!"